A Long, Hard Day

Mom had her surgery today. It was scheduled for 11 am, so we arrived at 9:30 am as instructed. The surgeon unfortunately ran into a complicated emergency surgery just before Mom's and wasn't able to operate on her until 2:30 pm. Bless Mom's heart. Her sweet little throat was so dry, but she couldn't have as much as a drop to drink. I wanted to sneak her one, but thought better of it. Dad & I waited out the 2.5 hours in the surgery waiting room fluctuating between worry and hope. The doctor who is apparently an excellent surgeon, but not the best at bedside manner, came in at 5 to tell us the news.

Mom's mass proved to be malignant based upon the frozen section they took mid-stream. He also found some very suspicious lymph nodes that were hardened and appeared to be malignant as well. They did only have to remove the bottom half of the right lung, not the whole lung. The diaphragm seemed ok. The liver wasn't accessed. Now we wait for the pathology report in a few days time to tell us type of cancer, stage, and course of action.

We were able to visit with Mom in the ICU and one of the saddest parts was that she looked great and seemed to be recovering in leaps and bounds (which of course is a great thing, don't get me wrong), but it just made me wish that she was recovering to find it was benign or just an infection and that life would go right back to normal, or be better even, feeling healthier than ever.

Now, we face the unknown. So many variables. I am so terribly sad right now that I am just beside myself. I can't even believe I have sat this still to write this much. I feel like I will have a panic attack any moment or hyper-ventilate. I want to call Mom and confide in her just how I feel, as if this is happening to other people, but I can't. Because this is us and she is resting in jolts between bouts of pain with tubes all over the place. And it's eerie to not be able to reach out to her and it scares me of what it will be like one day if she is no longer here.

My Dad cried, not once, but many times. I have only seen him cry once before. It pained me deeply to see him so sad.
I am trying to get all my crying out tonight, so I can just go and be strong and fully there for Mom starting tomorrow. But, it is hard. It hurts so much in my heart.

I prayed a lot and this happened, but I will keep my faith and pray more. And help Mom heal. And show Mom just how much I love her. And help her do all those things that make her happy. I just have one hope and that is for time to be on our side.

Thank you to everyone for your support. Please keep those good thoughts and prayers coming. We will need them now more than ever. As always, can't thank you enough.